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Disclaimer: This article hasn’t been written about any current coworker of mine. If you work with me, you can rest assured that you weren’t my inspiration for this post.👍🏼
We’ve all been there.
A slightly annoying coworker has turned into a daily nightmare, and rest doesn’t seem to be coming.
Maybe it’s their work ethic. Maybe it’s their interpersonal skills. Maybe it’s their pompous attitude.
Truthfully, it’s no longer just one aspect of their character that’s bothering you – it’s their dumb smile, their god-awful voice, their terrible fucking perfume. Everything about them grinds your gears.
If things continue without changing, you’re either going to quit your job or get fired for murder.
Is there a third option? Hopefully.
Here are four strategies to consider before letting someone else ruin your workday:
1) Evaluate your own shit
“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”
Matthew 7:3-5 ESV
On one occasion when I was working with a frustrating coworker, all my mind wanted to think about was how they had wronged me and made my life harder. Perhaps some of my self-pity was justified, but loitering in that mire of frustration did nothing for my actual situation. It also ignored the real possibility that I wasn’t a perfect employee myself.
If you’re like me, judging comes naturally – if being a human critic was a profession, you and I would be on the front lines in the industry.
What flows much less freely is self-awareness – it’s difficult and a little bit too real. One upside, however, is that it creates empathy for others and grounds our ego in the truth.
Before leaping straight to judgment, take an inventory of your current performance:
- In what ways have you made work more difficult for others?
- Have you ever said something offensive or inappropriate to a coworker?
- What aspect(s) of your job do you not give 100% in?
- Do you sometimes have unrealistic expectations of others?
By taking an honest look at ourselves and the flaws we bring to the table, our frustration toward others is softened and we’re given the opportunity to work on and improve ourselves. This leads to our next point.
2) Focus on your own growth
“A mark of lifelong learners is recognizing that they can learn something from everyone they meet.”
Adam M. Grant, Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know
Once we’ve begun the process of self-reflection, we’re able to layer in a mindset of self-development.
What’s remarkable about a development mindset is that it reacts perfectly to any bullshit thing your coworker does – it doesn’t care.
Well, it does care, but it takes those annoyances and injustices as opportunities rather than offenses. Here are a few examples:
- Situation: Your coworker leaves all the pesky tasks for you to do.
- Reaction mindset: “They are actively making my day worse.”
- Growth mindset: “This is a chance for me to develop expertise in these tasks!”
- Situation: Your coworker makes a rude comment about your outfit.
- Reaction mindset: “How dare they say that. What terse thing can I say back to them?”
- Growth mindset: “This is an opportunity to orient my mind around truth rather than a false narrative prompted by others.”
- Situation: Your coworker takes credit for a task you did.
- Reaction mindset: “I’m going to get them back for doing this to me.”
- Growth mindset: “This is a chance for me to practice healthy confrontation with this individual.”
Shifting our mindset doesn’t come naturally, but it can drastically improve situations where we’re dealing with difficult individuals. By focusing on our own growth, we can (and should) still acknowledge the problem, but rather than taking a passive, victim mentality, we can turn the situation in our favor.
3) Maintain boundaries with that individual
“If you don’t respect your own boundaries, no one else will either.”
Michael Hyatt, Free to Focus: A Total Productivity System to Achieve More by Doing Less
Once we’ve evaluated and managed our self-talk, it’s time to consider boundaries as the next step.
Note: If you’re encountering a dangerous/harmful/inappropriate circumstance, skip the first two steps and go directly to the appropriate authorities (HR/Police/etc.). These actions are for everyday situations with coworkers that cause annoyance/frustration.
While boundaries aren’t typically fun to enact/enforce, they’re an integral part of maintaining your own sanity and health.
Before considering what boundaries look like, it’s helpful to mention what they aren’t:
- They aren’t about controlling people.
- They aren’t a tool to hurt others.
- They aren’t merely for when something is going wrong.
So what are they exactly?
They are a proactive means to promote personal safety and wellness.
Since this isn’t the place for a deep dive on the subject (I’ll leave that to the professionals like Nedra Glover Tawwab), let’s briefly consider situations where boundaries could be helpful in the context of an onerous employee:
- When they regularly interrupt your work with small talk, or worse, complaints.
- When they make unkind or inappropriate comments to your face.
- When they spread gossip about you.
- When they expect you to work outside of the hours you were hired for.
- When they take credit for the work you did.
- When they pawn off their tasks on you.
Whatever the case you currently find yourself in, there’s a good chance you’ll benefit from well-planned and implemented boundaries.
4) Speak with your manager
“First, see clearly. Next, act correctly. Finally, endure and accept the world as it is.”
Ryan Holiday, The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph
You’ve evaluated your own issues, focused on personal growth, and created boundaries, but your coworker is still a thorn in your side.
What do you do?
It’s probably time to bring the issue to your manager; however, it’s worth noting that this wasn’t Step 1. By prematurely approaching your manager with a personnel issue, you run the risk of being unprepared, looking petty, and having the situation blow back in your face – not great.
Once you’ve determined it’s time to speak with a supervisor, pause and take stock of the situation. Ask yourself the following questions:
- What specific actions (by your coworker) are causing issues? Be precise. Ideally, you’ll have a journal documenting the incidents over a period of time, but if you don’t, do your best to recall specifics.
- How are those actions negatively impacting your work? This question is key. When you speak with your manager, they’ll want to know why the issue is important. Avoid telling them about how your coworker made you feel – while those feeling matter and are real, they may not carry weight at work. Management is much more likely to be swayed by details on how your coworker’s actions have negatively affected your ability to perform at work.
- How should the issue be resolved? Consider ways in which you’d like the situation to be fixed. Be objective and realistic, keeping in mind the pressures your manager is likely to feel.
After taking stock of your situation, find an appropriate time to speak with your supervisor and clearly describe 1) your coworker’s actions, 2) their impact on you, and 3) some (possible) solutions for them to ponder.
Will this always result in the solution you want? No.
Will it give you a better idea of how to proceed? Yes.
Final Thoughts
Despite the chaos crappy coworkers can create, they don’t need to be a permanent problem.
Through a shift in mindset, maintenance of healthy boundaries, and a conversation with your boss, transformation can be achieved.
It’s also worth remembering (if things don’t change) that you don’t need to endure a terrible situation for the rest of time. This could be an opportunity to consider a new in-person or remote job!
Whatever the case, know that you’re not alone, and that with a bit of thought and proactivity, change is possible.