I get it.
When a friend chooses the sober route, it can be jarring, to say the least.
You might feel confused, unsure, judged, or even hurt! Choosing to stop drinking is not only a huge change for the individual but for their entire social circle as well.
The weeks and months that follow can be crucial for setting the tone of what your new friendship looks like. While the intricacies of your relationship are beyond the scope of a blog post like this, I’d like to share a few interactions that will rarely, if ever, be helpful:
1) Assume they will always be the designated driver.
“_______ doesn’t drink, so they’ll be our DD!”
At first glance, this seems like a completely reasonable assumption. You know they won’t drink when you go out, so why wouldn’t they be the designated driver?
Unfortunately, this assumption quickly transitions from reasonable to straight-up rude:
- It can make them feel used. Similar to how tokenized minorities can feel used for their presence, presuming your sober friend will be the DD can easily seem like you only want them there to provide a convenient way home.
- They may not be comfortable taking that role. Some sober individuals don’t feel comfortable around intoxication and would prefer to leave before a party escalates. If they are chosen as the DD (without their input), it can put them in an unsafe situation – having to choose between babysitting their friends and prioritizing their own wellness.
The good news is that this mistake can easily be avoided.
Simply ask your sober friend if they would be willing to drive at the end of the night, and reassure them that if they don’t (for any reason), you have a backup plan (such as an Uber).
2) Comment on how you liked their drinking persona better.
“Honestly, you were more fun when you used to drink.”
What if it’s true?
Your nights out with that individual were some of your favorites, and their sober decision has seemingly put a damper on hanging out.
The primary issue is when this comment is made nonchalantly – at a party, in the car, or over text. When brought up casually, it can come across as unsupportive and selfish. It’s an easy way to trigger the defenses of your friend and suffocate any future discussion about their decision to stop drinking.
Thankfully, with a bit of planning, you can create an emotionally safe environment to share this thought and grow your relationship with that individual further.
3) Attempt to have them try alcohol when you’re out.
“It’s just a sip. You won’t get drunk or anything”
Offering someone a sip of wine can be a genuine mistake when your friend is newly sober; however, as time goes on, this action comes across as ignorant and/or disrespectful.
Sobriety comes in all shapes and sizes. Not only are there a wide range of reasons for choosing sobriety (religion, health, relationships, life-trajectory, etc.), but there are also a variety of implementations. Some sober individuals are comfortable drinking mocktails and non-alcoholic beer/wine in bar settings, while others don’t feel comfortable in those environments or with similar drinks.
As with most life choices, sobriety is on a spectrum, and you’re not expected to immediately understand the nuances of what your friend is experiencing. That said, offering alcohol to a sober individual is always in bad taste. In rare cases, it could be delivered as a joke, but unless you’re confident they’ll take it as such, it’s best to avoid the downside it could bring.
Final Thoughts
Thankfully, the bulk of people (like yourself I presume) won’t have an issue respecting their friend’s sober decision; however, it can still be easy to erroneously say any of the statements described above.
How can you sidestep those mistakes?
- Avoid making assumptions
- Reserve heavier conversations for emotionally safe situations
- Respect boundaries (even if you don’t understand them)
By sticking to those guidelines, you’ll make room for your friendship to blossom rather than fade during this transition.
Best of luck!🙏🏼